in the heart of ink i took my father's pen put it to my ear. i could hear a low prairie whistle wheeze. an annoying fly buzz past. in a green dyed earthfield a scarecrow in a wheatear poncho rustling in golden sway. a farm boy's coyote calling. a morse code of crossed sword raindrops on rainbow captured puddles, cloaks green frond swishing dank. the frog's metronomic croak. a blotch of weather's stroke in whitegrey jigsaw of snow and haste; flakes fall in shiver cold. a fire warming quietude. i wafting lazy cloud. of floating free soul in phileas fogg chill skyward bound fused blue. capped a universe in pen.
Is the imagery clear?
Does the structure mess up the effort?
While I admire the attempt to make a structure with its descending beat count and its consistent coda, the form undermines the poem by leaving weak works at the end of some lines. Prepositions and articles are not good works with which to end lines. Strong images or words that lend mystery are better.
But you have some very fine images here, beginning with the opening stanza. I also like "a morse code of crossed sword/raindrops on rainbow/captured puddles" - these lines show how powerful good enjambment can be in propelling a poem forward.
I also like "whitegrey jigswa/of snow and haste" - wonder images.
I take it that this poem means to capture the memory of a father's feelings as he might have experienced them in writing it all down. And now a son follows to build new memories. It's a fine concept (if I'm close to the meaning) and goes a long way in rescuing this poem from its form. Sometimes a careful structure is just a clever structure, and too much cleverness can destroy the emotional intesity of a poem. Think of form and content as companions on a trip, not one brother carrying the other.
Regards,
Larry
Larry L. Fontenot <poboy@hotmail.com>
Sugar Land, TX USA - Fri Jul 21 19:58:43 2000
Readers: You may wish to contact Pradeep N. Mane privately with your ideas about this poem.