Childhood at the playground
 
small, colorful dots
jumping, spinning, squealing
the sunny wind ruffles them
rearranges
it's surprising they don't just
blow away
 
they lie
 
scattered on the pavement
chaotic pointillism

Sarah Koper's Questions:

Firstly, is this too abstract?  I want to paint a picture of sorts that depicts the usual categorization and ideas about childhood in the first stanza (i.e., it's a beautiful, happy time, but fleeting--too short).  The small dots are, in as far as physical imagery is concerned, children playing at the playground (hence the title).  Is the solitary line in the middle harsh enough?  Is there enough of a change in tone to make the disillusionment of the speaker clear?  

Any suggestions on a more effective title?  I want to convey the same message, but somehow this title seems to be the odd piece out in the jigsaw.  

Does the poem, as a whole, seem complete?  Sometimes I feel that it ends where it should, and other times I feel that it is still lacking.  What do you think?

Love

We sat in the dark corner of the last row,
in the sticky orange seats
(they used to fold up on me when i was small)
i shifted in my seat uncomfortably
and watched the crowd below
the sickening smell of popcorn emanated
from the ancient seats around us
i looked up at the glowing green clock
(the only theatre clock i've seen)
i almost jumped when you whispered my name

Sarah Koper's Questions:

Is this an effective experience poem?  This is a very general question, I know, but that is my only intention in this piece.  Is there anything I can do to give the scene more depth, to make it more realistic?   Are the emotions clear?

Any suggestions on how I should separate this into stanzas?  I feel like it needs to be more organized, but I just can't seem to structure it in a way that doesn't detract from its overall effectiveness.