Fishbowl I could live with you in a fishbowl, if you d smile to light the water. A thimble would be too much room, a pin s head a vast desert, too easy to lose you in. I needed you where I could touch you, your snort, your giggle, called me closer. But our love oozed over the thimble rim, it slid off the pin s smooth head. So we tried it in a mansion, your smile dust in the artifacts, your light dim in the tapestry. Antique thimbles ranked on a shelf, marriage vows written, broken, on the head of a pin. Your snorting giggle lost, forgotten, in the covey of callers that come to gawk at us. Free martinis oozing over the rim, causing the brow to furrow on my now smooth head.
John Grover 's Questions:
1)Does the second line about the desert/thimble work? I'm trying to say I wanted her close, do I convey that? What would be better than snorting giggle?
2) Should I leave it off with us in the big house? or extend to the fall, to our eventual seperation?
3) I think the artifacts line is good, should I reverse it with the tapestry? Which way is stronger, in the middle or at the end?
4) As you can see I'm a bit depressed after my marriage failed. I was published in a couple of anthology's while in High School. Where is the best place to learn to write clearer, more feeling, better? College, Internet, Workshops,etc? Please remember that I'm starting over completely at 40 years of age. I'd appreciate an answer to #4, even if my poem is not up to snuff.