Rocks to Give She searches for hours, toddling daughter of mine, through rocks for that special one the one that is magic the one made by the sun for glowing conversation. Once found, the rock is presented to me with generous smiles speaking unknown words and eyes screaming colors the jealous rock can only whisper. She owns the universe. Fences are for climbing Money is shiny collectable and Music is everywhere. Soon she will know how poor she is. Learn fences are boundaries Money is power and Music is copyrighted. Knowledge squanders a wealth of innocence. But now She is Queen of the World, My world, My all and everything Even though She has only worthless rocks to give.
Pam Haddorff's Questions:
Anywhere loses flow?
The first draft replaced "Soon she will know how poor she is." with "It won't be long now, just a few short days the rock will spend in idle chat with the sun, before she learns how poor she is."
Would something longer like that be better? It seems to get so choppy. Make it more "flowery" and complex in a literary sense, or leave "simple"?