Willingly Devoured In dark, I watch my friend become a man. Just slivers of his face show through the stream Of light that sneaks it s way through beating fan. Oh wake me, for I fear this is a dream! His body motionless, but subtle move His muscles of expression, showing strain. Hesitancy lingers not to prove The calculating tactics of his game. His eyes proceed to pierce me, deep and long, I glance away defenseless, then look back, The penetrating stare, hypnotic, strong, Stalking is the motionless attack. Prolonging inspiration to the depth, Silence penetrates the moistened air. Gently wraps his hands around my neck, Exhalation warm within my hair. Hands caress the curve behind my waist. Weightless, I am lowered to the floor. Primitive the rhythms fill the space, Burning in the fire, wanting more. Willingly devoured, bodies drenched Pressed against pulsations, two hearts pound Ravaged by his strength, desires quenched Leaving me to scavengers of ground.
Janet Jordan's Questions:
I'm too close to this one.
Does it work for others or only me?
It's hard to know if the passion is overstated but it is meant to create a strong visual image. Again, I don't know how to punctuate.
Is "deep and strong" too obvious?
Does the dichotomy of "pleasure/pain" come through?
Any suggestions are welcome.