Poem for the End of the Century
Trina Baker
Eclipses
No rarity, lunar eclipses,
but often clouds cloak
them or the earth's spin conceals
them, yet this moon shines
clear and full over
East Bay hills, and waits
for the Earth's slow shadow to fall
across that pock-marked face
and to set it glowing red.
Even the fog rolling over
and down from west of coastal slopes
cannot obscure that moon.
The next total lunar eclipse
to be observed from here will occur
in the new millennium
on my forty-fourth birthday.
On Monday, my first mammogram
came back clouded, a shadow
gathered in breast tissue
that I wait for the radiologist
to compress and magnify, then name,
and for the first time it occurs
to me that I might not
meet the new millennium.
10 October 1996
Trina's questions:
I prefer to understate the emotional, to leave a lot up to the reader, not wanting risk being sentimental. Do I need to go further with this piece, take that risk? Is there a whole lot more to say?
Do the line breaks work?
Is the use of o's and m's effective in making sound echo sense; can this be strengthened?
Trina's Revision based on your comments below:
Eclipses
No rarity, lunar eclipses,
but often clouds cloak
them or the earth’s spin conceals
them, yet this moon shines
clear and full over
East Bay hills and waits
for the Earth’s slow shadow to fall
across that pock-marked face
and set it glowing red.
The next total lunar eclipse
to be observed from here will occur
in the new millennium
on my forty-fourth birthday.
On Monday, my first mammogram
came back clouded, a shadow
gathered in breast tissue
that I wait for the radiologist
to compress and magnify, then name,
and for the first time it occurs
to me that I might not
meet the new millennium.
As I turn my attention to the sky,
even the fog rolling
over and down from west
of coastal slopes
cannot obscure that moon.
Revised January, 1997
Trina, I don't believe you should alter your poem
to meet anyone else's opinion. Perhaps your personal
style is poems that read like sun coming in and out
of one's understanding...like an overcast day...if
that is how all your poems come out...I like it..too
many poems these days sound more like a diary-stolen
than real emotion....
R Mounts
IN USA - Mon Jan 10 11:40:35 2000
The adaptations you made were very appropriate and do add clarity to this piece. By starting the second stanza by mentionning immediately the mammogram the transition between the metaphor and the pysical statements is emphasised instead of being lost in the middle of the stanza. Bravo for the subtle use of imagery impying roundness of breasts as roundness of hills, rolling of fog, spinning of the sherical earth. The line "across that pock-marked face" also struck me as being poignant once I had realised what this eclipse was reffering to.
Natasha
USA - Mon Dec 20 12:28:36 1999
Trina - I think you definitely have laid out the emotions clearly, without overstating them at all, and your revisions made a big difference for me. The first version posted left me knowing what the speaker must be feeling, but the second had me almost feeling it. I especially like the relocation of the final four lines - it sets up a real sense of mortality and the world going on. I think that was the key element for me in moving the poem from an intellectual to an emotional experience. The only things that might make this stronger for me would be: (1) if you were to skim through and eliminate some words, to keep the focus more on the images themselves - ex: "For the first time it occurs/I might not meet the new millenium" - if you feel that would fit your voice. (2) maybe, as part of the first stanza, or if you were to insert a new stanza two, some sort of contemplation of the past meaning of eclipses - to the speaker or in a historical context (maybe a random thought the speaker had at the first eclipse she witnessed, or remembering she saw it with a relative who has since died...) But these are ideas to make it stronger - as it stands, it is powerful, and conveys much of the feelings that come with truly facing one's mortality.
Cate Kulak
West Hartford, CT USA - Sun Aug 8 16:41:13 1999
I'm not getting that you feel something. Poetry comes from within you need to make people feel something anything. Maybe I just don't get it.
mindy
GA USA - Thu Mar 18 08:11:42 1999
Hi Trina, I felt all the problems with the first version were cured in the second. I like it. I think you're done--structurally, at least. The second stanza was too prosey and contrasted distractingly with the first. Also, by now shifting the focus from the moon to you, then, back to the moon, the contrast is sharpened. Showing the different temporal natures of the moon and yourself makes your mortality poignant--but does so discretely. In the first draft, the moon imagery was pretty, but, almost anecdotal. In the second, the moon is an essential metaphor. I suspect you are the speaker. If so, it seems clear that you're not going to let anything eclipse you! Thank you for the poem. Keep writing!
Paul Schunemann
Martinez, CA USA - Tue Jan 5 03:34:42 1999
Hi Trina, I felt all the problems with the first version were cured in the second. I like it. I think you're done--structurally, at least. The second stanza was too prosey and contrasted distractingly with the first. Also, by now shifting the focus from the moon to you, then, back to the moon, the contrast is sharpened. Showing the different temporal natures of the moon and yourself makes your mortality poignant--but does so discretely. In the first draft, the moon imagery was pretty, but, almost anecdotal. In the second, the moon is an essential metaphor. I suspect you are the speaker. If so, it seems clear that you're not going to let anything eclipse you! Thank you for the poem. Keep writing!
Paul Schunemann
Martinez, CA USA - Tue Jan 5 03:33:25 1999
Trina, I was moved by your understated but powerful poem. The echoes of round clouds, moon and breasts was done just right, neither hitting the reader over the head nor leaving it obscure. Of course, you have to have seen a mammogram film to imagine the connection, but I have and immediately did. In your revision, you have made the poem even more powerful. I'm a bit picky about sounds, and prefer not to have too many unnecessary words in a strong poem, so I'd do something to avoid using the word "them," especially twice in two successive lines. I loved the sounds echoing together, "clouds" "cloak" "conceals" and "clear" "pock-marked." All these words ring together roundly! Even without deleting one or the other "them" I think this is a first-class poem, and one that will stay with me.
Rachel Dacus
Walnut Creek, CA USA - Fri Nov 20 15:42:28 1998
your poem is interesting and evocative, but fails to draw on an important concept. Early man held an extra ordinary fear of the lunar eclipse. If you paralleled the fear, absolute dread, of the occurance of that event with the assumed fear associated with cancer, then i feel that you would have a much stronger poem. The way you have written the poem, the eclipse is just another common event like the rising sun. I would like to see the poem written with something of a more surreal feeling associated with the feelings that must come with the realization that your view of the world has just shifted in a major way. Bill
bill killen
Palm Bay, FL USA - Sat Nov 14 12:43:45 1998
A nice thought, but I don't feel you clearly expressed the seriousness and finality of the situation addressed. It is not shown as a life threatening situation, rather as a potential obstacle that could easily be overcome.
Amy
USA - Thu Oct 29 16:36:33 1998
trina: lovely poem. in the revision, you add four lines from the first stanza to the end. perhaps you felt you didn't want a Big Bang ending? i'm not sure why the lines were added... but 1) didn't feel poem needed anything after "meet the new millenium" line; 2) if you DID want to go on, the symbolism/Bang On Head With Meaning of four lines added is way too obvious, glaring, for such an otherwise subtle, careful poem. i thought first stanza improved by removing them. what makes you want to add lines to end? i COULD imagine a continuation of the lovely, understated, observed tone of the first stanza, but not unless you still had something you needed conveyed. sometimes a sad, scary thing can be left just like that, no need to add something "upbeat." i liked the naturalistic motion - narrator looks at the sky, narrator thinks about mammogram. all the strong, and implied connections. poem could be left just as an evocation of that sad, haunting, and terrifying "moment." i feel as if any attempt to "resolve" strength of that moment weakens its honesty.
elliza
boston, ma USA - Wed Aug 12 13:55:26 1998
The symbolism in the poem is clearly understood, and aides in evoking some emotion. However, this is obviously a critical moment in a woman's life, and the intensity of the situation and the potential effect is not expressed in near enough depth.
kreidy
Saratoga, NY USA - Fri May 15 07:07:20 1998
Very nice piece; I agree that the second version works out better; it flows and has better movement, esp. the second stanza. You say it quite effecitively and the second version weaves the emotional more carefully than the first version.
Laurie Greenleaf
Oakland, CA USA - Sat Apr 18 00:40:49 1998
I love both versions of this poem, but neither is completely satisfying. I love your message, your approach, your imagery, and your voice. I loved the meaning of your first ending, but the language seemed to take a shortcut. The language in your revised ending is more poetic, but loses some of its kick. I know a lot of people have commented that they liked the revised ending. But I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you I want more. If this weren't such a great poem, either ending would do. But, being the beautiful piece that it is, it deserves better. And you, having written it, must have it in you to finish it. Best of luck :-)
D. Sadres
PA USA - Sat Mar 14 01:41:00 1998
I found the piece suprizingly moving. I almost quit reading during the first stanza, but the second grabbed me and kept me. Thanks for writing this. I liked the understatement and the comparison of the clouds.
Gail Musgrave
Wiggins, co USA - Fri Feb 6 09:56:24 1998
Hi Trina- I must say that I prefer the second version to the first although I think both poems are complete in themselves. It's just that the second poem hits me where I live. By ending the poem the way you did I'm struck with a sense of possibilities and hope despite the ominous fog rolling in. All the elements participated in bringing about a moment where the soul could break through and touch the mind with a deep awareness of being where profound love exists for ourselves and this world we inhabit. Out of these moments a sense of courage arrives that gives one the determination to face life despite what it might bring, but not only that- but to cherish it. I think it is fitting that you use a lunar eclipse. Eclipses were often, and are still, viewed as omens of a malignant nature. Which of course this one is too, but it brings also a gift. Am i making sense? As I said this hits me where I live so I might have gone off on a tangent that you never intended. Thankyou for your poem.
Rodney DeCroo
Vancouver, Canada - Thu Dec 18 16:41:25 1997
Trina, just read your poem; I thought it was very moving. I don't think you need to take it any further;it reaches out and grabs you. I did think the revision flowed more smoothly, although I liked the first. I felt the new ending tied it all together as one reader stated.
Joan Walker
N. Little Rock, AR USA - Sun Jun 29 09:10:49 1997
I think the language and tone of the piece is generally well judged with only two lapses. I don't like the reference to the specific forty-fourth birthday. You could try omitting this line. and I would suggest L8 St2 is changed to say '..meet that new eclipse'. I think this will add punch to a fine metaphor. I admired the use of colour and texture in this piece particularly 'red' and 'pock-marked'
Christopher North
Little Chalfont, Buck UK - Fri Jun 6 15:02:34 1997
Trina, I've read both versions and can't really find anything wrong with either of them. The entire piece in both cases flows smoothly, tells simply but compellingly, and ends dramatically, although with a different emphasis. Only you can decide if there is a 'whole lot more to say'. I wouldn't sweat the o's and m's. As far as risking sentimentality goes, I see nothing wrong with taking a risk if you are trying to achieve greater heights. What's the worst that can happen? A re-write? It is a work-in-progress, after all. Best, Josh.
Josh
Kitchener, ON Canada - Tue May 27 19:02:41 1997
Trina, it must be very difficult to control the sentiment that underlies the message - but in doing so, you do not understate it, do not muffle it, you intensify it - for us the reader. In this, i understand the commenter who suggests perhaps a little too much sentiment peeks through but I would differ in the direction of restraining that sentiment and allowing its implict power to gather under the readers eye.
I'm not sure what comment led to your revision that split the event - the A-B form of it into an A-B-A - a return to the moon - but i liked the original form much better. I was immediately taken into the poem by the the very successful and strong way the rising of the moon echoed the way the eye might encounter it - the way your words revealed their meaning - insisted that it would shine despite obstacles - yet prepares us for ominous events. The fog, which does not obscure - still lends itself to the presence of undertones that will become the crisis of the poem. I'd put those lines back where you had them despite on commenter saying that ‘they got it’ - the relation between the ‘fog’, ‘shadow’, ‘slopes’, etc. with breasts, x-rays, and eclipsing events is quite obvious no matter where you put the lines. Using the original, then, I’ll examine the lines.
consider 'though' to replace 'but' and delete 'them' - it adds the 'o' sound that darkens even a little more - consider dropping 'the' (no need to particularize the earth at this point - and it adds pause - lengthens the coming shadow as '/or earth's rotation conceals/yet this moon...' - i like the way the moon is now particularized 'yet this...' - I can feel it coming up through the conditions of the opening lines - feel it almost breaking out, I wonder now (in the 6th line of the original) if the pronoun rather than the compound might work. '...it waits'. This is, after all going to be a very personal 'moon' and that might help bind it to the dilemma of the second stanza. You don't mention moon terrain earlier, and i don't think you mean to emphasize it over other image, so 'that pock-marked face' might be 'a pock-marked face'. In the 10th line, 'the' could be deleted, just '/even fog...' as well as 'of' in the 11th. /set it glowing red/ seems more powerful, chilling to me than 'to set...' Then, i think the 'that' in the last line of the first stanza might stand and do some extra work. With all the other articles removed before it - 'that' moon become your moon - the moon of the second stanza - the moon of breast and its shadow. In the 13th line 'On' could be safely ommitted; perhaps even 'Monday' (does it matter? is it only to add another 'm' or 'o' sound?). What do you think about /came back clouded, shadowed/gathered in breast tissue _____ ,/ - and there (in the blank) i think you name your feeling - put your sentiment - all of it in a single word (i leave it blank, for i can't imagine what your word would be - a word that might serve both you and the moon - tie your feelings to the eclipse?) But I think you can name it in that moment. The 'gathered in breast tissue line then might both swing both ways - to the line above /...shadowed,/gathered in breat tissue/ and, if you substitute 'waiting' for 'that I wait', to the line that follows as /gathered in breast tissue, ______ ,/wating for the radiologist/ Does that work for you? the 'then' in the 21st line might be omitted; the 'for the first time' might be omitted ("it occurs to me" tells us that) - and 'that' in the 23rd line. What i'd like to know from you is if my comments appear to have missed your own intentions - deformed your ideas, rather than making a contibution to choices you might consider? For I thought the poem as a whole was one of the best of this series and brought home to me the meaning of these funny little lines we make between calendars and what they may mean to us - up close and personal. I thought you did that, and more. What can the millenium mean to someone faced with the fact that they might not cross that little marker on the wall? Thank you for revealing something of this in your work.
red slider
Sacramento, CA USA - Sun Apr 6 13:49:46 1997
Gasp, I have to comment on my own comments. :( Now that I've read the revision again... about deleting the line, "As I turn my attention to the sky" it's clear the speaker is talking about the sky, but means the mammogram. The last few lines tie everything together.
Gayle Reed
Pittsburgh, PA USA - Wed Mar 26 17:26:52 1997
Hi, I'm a new reader here. I like your revision very much, especially the new contrast in stanzas. I also like the comparison between the clouded moon / eclipse and the cloud in the breast tissue. I would suggest deleting the line that reads something like "As I turn my attention to the sky". I'm sorry, the original poem is visible to me as I'm composing my comments, but not the revision. As well as I can remember, the line sounds very prose-y compared to the more musical sounds throughout the rest of the poem. And, I don't think omitting the line would injure the sense of what follows. It is clear to me that the speaker means the sky, not the mammogram. As far as risking sentimentality goes, I think you have to risk it, but stop just short of the line.
Gayle Reed
Pittsburgh, PA USA - Wed Mar 26 15:47:33 1997
Trina, I really like your poem for any number of reasons. The main reasons are that it is very concerned with the celestial, and our responses (emotional, psychological, etc.) to it. I thought the second revision was wise, but like all things it came at a cost. The first original stanza to me can stand alone as a quite beautiful poem of great depth, with allusion to all sorts of things. By bringing in the mundane (our earthly existence)realm in the second stanza the shift was too abrupt. Your revision works because you now mix the celestial and the earthly (the heavens and your life, that is) and there is an interplay and all important tension between them. Your images of shadow are the now apparent threat of death, eclipsing of your until-now always shining life. But, you take strength from the moon, because it never truely (like us perhaps?) is truely dimmed or extinguished. Much more to say, I'll try to write more later.
Jason Glasson
London, UK - Mon Jan 27 08:31:06 1997
Maggie’s “immediate” response: This is a mature and polished effort. It also hits me where I live.
Trina’s Question: I prefer to understate the emotional, to leave a lot up to the reader, not wanting risk being sentimental. Do I need to go further with this piece, take that risk?
Maggie’s Answer: Methinks you have gone too far in the opposite direction to “understate the emotional,” & to avoid being sentimental. I think there’s been too abrupt a shift in tone from the first to the second stanza.
In Stanza 1 (for instance)
". . waits
for the Earth's slow shadow to fall
across that pock-marked face . . . "
is elegant and sonorous. Then in Stanza 2
"The next total lunar eclipse
to be observed from here will occur
in the new millennium
on my forty-fourth birthday."
sounds like a cut-and-dried presentation of data.
Here's an example:
This is from "The Stuffed Owl," an anthology of Good Bad Verse (Lewis & Lee, Ed)
“When Samuel Johnson, Pontifex Maximus, introduces into his ‘London, A Poem, in Imitation of the Third Satire of Juvenal,’ which has these sonorous cadences—
Has Heaven reserv'd in pity to the poor
No pathless waste, or undiscover'd shore?
No secret island in the boundless Main?
No peaceful desert, yet unclaimed by Spain?
[adding] such a sudden couplet as:
Forgive my transports on a theme like this,
I cannot bear a French metropolis-
. . . cannot but awaken gentle mirth . . . not for the matter of the lines . . but for Johnson's unexpected lapse in key . . . "
Is there a way you can bridge the two positions more melodically without getting too emotional?
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Trina’s Question: Is there a whole lot more to say?
Maggie’s Answer: No
Trina’s Question: Do the line breaks work?
Maggie’s Answer: Well, most of the line breaks in the first stanza occurred after verbs, while in the second stanza they mostly occurred after nouns. Is this intentional?
Trina’s Question: Is the use of o's and m's effective in making sound echo sense; can this be strengthened?
Maggie’s Answer: They’re wonderful. I thought also of "lemon moon" & "glowing gold" & “the moon is mad and moaning.”
Maggie Morley
USA - Sat Nov 2 17:25:26 1996
Trina, You only need to take this piece further if you feel that you haven't explored the full meaning of the connection between the shadow in the mammogram and the shadow in the moon. Instead of the word "meet" in the last line, I suggest a verb more in keeping with the image of the moon, say along the lines of "light" or "rise." Perhaps even your title "eclipse." You might press for the right word. As for line breaks, they're fine, but I'd add a stanza break after the word "birthday." Often, I'll work with sound and sense at the same time -- trying to get the two to work simultaneously while in composition; you seem to have sound working here, but might experiment with the fullness or hollowness of the "m" and "o" sounds to parallel the fullness (or hollowness) of the moon i.e. your feelings for the results of the mammogram.
Scott Reid
Healdsburg, Ca USA - Wed Oct 30 00:02:28 1996