Poem for the End of the Century
Christine Howry-Crockett
The Desertion
i.
This is where he lets me off,
The miles of field
stretching out like sand
into four invisible oceans.
And the wind, blue
and free of dust,
spiraling through the wheat.
And the only road
is the one he drives away on.
My belly shifts
with a new weight, which twists
on its side, like a sneer.
And we are all he has left
alive, and my shoes
are the end of his story.
ii.
I squat low into the weight
of myself and rock you,
unborn child. I tell you
how little there is
to fear, that the dark
will be gentler
than a womb. And a moon
will float out of the wheat
like a god, so that when
we are born into separate lives
we won't be afraid
of the light.
iii.
This morning the sky
was an echo.
I've walked away from it
into more wind,
into this landscape filled
with nothing, not even
silence. And as the blank
face of the sun begins
to flatten over this field,
I am still walking
away form it, still moving out
of the world.
iv.
This is what we are whispering
to ourselves: Moon. Wheat. Wind.
And my feet are the hollows
I've left in this field.
And you, child, are the skin
of a man I loved.
And my face is a glass
in which you would know yourself
even if you were broken.
And this wind is a memory which
never comes back.
And my eyes are the close
of our story.
February, 1999
Christine Howry-Crockett's questions:
Is the third section effective, or even necessary to the poem?
Is the voice honest or too abstract to reach the reader?
It is meant to be a "lament"--the more obvious lament for an unborn child/ a lost lover--but also the loss of innocence, of romantic vision, of hope. Does it work at all on this universal level?
I read this poem before, on another board, and expressed my admiration for it. It reminds me of Neruda's work, with the qualities of earthiness and mystery present in equal measure.
I think the third section intensifies these qualities; it is the inner vision of the woman, while the other sections are concerned with the physical world without and the child within. Is it necessary? I don't know -- is poetry 'necessary?' Millions of people never get closer to poetry than a greeting card, and lead fairly happy lives.
I think the poem loses more than it gains by cutting the section, it loses a musical progression through four movements that you have taken care to develop.
I find more abstraction in certain lines in the first section: "...and my shoes/are the end of his story." I wonder why that is so, but I also trust the sound of it, and I don't expect explanations.
I think the reader has a duty to accept a poem on its own terms, and not expect it to conform to his or her idea of what a poem should be. This is especially true if the reader also writes poetry.
It does read as a lament, but I hear more than a loss of innocence in the lines. There is an acceptance of mortality that rises to near tragic elation in the final lines. The wind is a memory which never comes back, just as physical pain is not remembered.
"And my eyes are the close/of our story."
The mother's eyes will one day close, never again to open, and their story together will end as the child goes on.
__________________
-- there is a typo in the pentultimate line of iii: from instead of form?
Howard Brown
New York, NY USA - Mon Oct 11 20:25:39 2004
Dear Christine, Please please would you remove the comments received long agio from someone using my markfyfe@compuserve.com address : they are not my thoughts and they compromise my own name search data on the www you poem is good but these aren't My opinions and they make you - as poet - and I as supposed reader look very silly : there is no pastoral idea ! please do this for me and good luck with your work mark fyfe
London , USA - Tue Feb 10 04:36:10 2004
The poem works for me very much, especially the beginning. I felt very cold and lonely and abandoned. The ending could be punched up a little. I am thinking of putting out a one-shot literary magazine called "The Rebel Alliance of Writers" in Jan 2004. If interested in having this poem published there, let me know.
Bruce Jewett
Belmont, CA USA - Tue Nov 25 16:19:01 2003
Christine-on my first visit to this site I am delighted to find such a beautiful poem. Thank you! I do agree that you could do without several of the 'ands'. Also, the 3rd stanza did throw me off a bit, but after reading it over several times I understood the concept.
Jo Ellen
Green Bay, WI USA - Thu Aug 21 22:32:40 2003
Christine, This is one of the most beautifully written pieces of art that I have ever read. Not only do you have the soul of a poet, I think I know who it is, (Emily Bronte). You however are a much more modern version of her and very refreshing. Rarely do you ever come across something that when you read it, makes you feel warm inside. This is what you have done for me today and it is a rare thing. Congratulations on your talent, you wonderful woman....
Stephen O Hanlon
Waterford, Ireland - Sun May 18 02:26:14 2003
I loved it but I do think the third stanza is unnecessary though not bad. I just don't think it adds anything that needs to be said. Otherwise, it is just right and addresses the other questions correctly. I don't mind some "ands", especially at the end but maybe it's a bit much. Keep up your writing!!
janice
ON Canada - Fri Feb 21 07:21:22 2003
Hi Christine, Add me to the consensus re: AND, which would work well at the mike, giving the audience a chance to breathe between the lines. I think, yes, 'lament' is the right word for this poem. I don't feel the poem is dependent on the 3rd, but that doesn't mean it's irrelevant. Hope this helps. Some suggestions below:
The Desertion
i.
This is where he lets me off,
[The] miles of field
stretch[ing out] like sand
into four invisible oceans.***wonderful image
[And] the wind, blue
and free of dust,
spiral(s)[ing] through the wheat.
And the only road
is the one he drives away on.***personal preference is not to end on 'on.'
My belly shifts
with [a] new weight, which twists
on its side, like a sneer.***very graphic image
[And] we are all he has left
[alive,] and my shoes
are the end of his story.
ii.
I squat low into the weight
of myself and rock you,
unborn child. I tell you***not sure you need 'unborn child;' it is rather implicit
how little there is
to fear, that the dark
will be gentler
than [a](the) womb. [And] a moon***perhaps use a colon/semi-colon
will float out of the wheat
like a god, so that when***consider rephrasing 'so that when?'
we are born into separate lives
we won't be afraid
of the light.
iii.
This morning(,) the sky
was an echo.
I've walked away from it
into more wind,
into this landscape filled
with nothing, not even***'nothing' kinda says nothing
silence. And as the blank
face of the sun begins
to flat(t)en over this field,
I am still walking
away form it, still moving out
of the world.***I am getting a sense of death/rebirth here. 'Still' brings me to 'stillborn.'
iv.
This is what we [are] whisper[ing]
[to ourselves]: Moon. Wheat. Wind.
[And] my feet are the hollows
I've left in this field.***fine line
[And] you, child, are the skin
of a man I loved.
[And] my face is a glass
in which you would know yourself
even if you were broken.***think you might compress these lines for better flow
[And] this wind is a memory which
never comes back.
And my eyes are the close
of our story.
Mors
Mule Creek, NM USA - Thu Sep 12 19:29:03 2002
Christine, The images in the very beginning of your poem are very visual creating a clear scene for me to wander in and linger. I agree with others that the Ands are distracting. In reading your poem several times through I find myself much more drawn in without the Ands. The third part of your piece doesn't create a picture for me. I'm not sure if it belongs or not, but, I will say that I'm unclear as to your transition from second to third section, the moon-sun imagery. If you were hoping for universality vs. individual or specific meanings--I can see images that push the piece in that direction but in general I am having a hard time reading our piece and feeling satisfied as a whole; some parts draw me in and I would like to see you make more clear transitions between images so I can feel totally immersed in the piece rather than being drawn to "parts" of your work. I'd love to see your poem again when you put some of ideas others have shared for you to consider into your reworked poem.
Mary Alice Long
Nevada City, CA USA - Wed Jul 10 14:45:07 2002
The miles of field
stretching out like sand
I THINK YOU could take out the word 'out' from that line.
---------------------------------------------
And the wind, blue
and free of dust,
spiraling through the wheat.
And the only road
is the one he drives away on.
I DON'T really care for the repetition of the 'and' word - maybe you could just continue by saying - 'this is the only road ....'
------------------------------------------------
My belly shifts
with a new weight, which twists
on its side, like a sneer.
DON'T think you need 'which'
-----------------------------------------------
And we are all he has left
alive, and my shoes
are the end of his story.
THAT, I WOULD separate like so:
We are all he has left
alive; my shoes, the end
of his story.
I LOVE THESE Canto type poems, by the way - I've recent started trying it myself.
----------------------------------------------
iii.
away form it, still moving out
JUST A WEE type there.
--------------------------------
UNLESS using the word 'and' in this way is part of this form of poetry - or a particular form, I would cut down on the use of the word. The poem flows like a short creative story. Thanks so much for the read. Carly :-) Here are the places you will find me: WILD CITY TIMES Magazine & Writers' Workshop http://www.vif.com/users/wildcity/wctindex/ PEDESTAL MAGAZINE - A Writer's Forum http://www.thepedestalmagazine.com/Forum/default.asp February, 1999
Carly
Toronto, On Canada - Sat Apr 20 21:59:15 2002
This poem is outstanding and "flows" (there I said it and it felt good). I followed and understood the picture it painted; for me. May I say that the comments were very, very constructive. Writers can take such comments and perfect their writings without "choking the life" out of their work. Thank you for providing this forum.
Barb Powers
Oklahoma City, OK USA - Fri Apr 12 05:48:09 2002
Christine, I agree with comments regarding deleting most, if not all, of the 'ands'. Also, the title becomes much more universal with the deletion of 'the' so that "desertion" becomes the central theme, right up front. Do you want a period at the end of the first line? Or, a colon? You have caps at the beginning of the second line w/no punc. at the end of the first, so I'm not sure what you intend. But I'd like to see you try it with a period at the end of first line -- strong, brutal statement. Also try taking off 'ing' where possible (stretch, spiral, etc). In stanza ii., you don't need "I tell you/how little there is/to fear" -- "I tell you/the dark is gentler/than a womb" says it all. Stanza iii -- doesn't seem necessary. YOu may have some images there that you want to pull into the final stanza, or that you used to write your way into that final stanza? Overall, a poem with beautiful tone, some desolate imagery, and an edginess that I like.
Deborah
- Sun Apr 7 21:14:15 2002
Great topic and you have good writing ability. Cut "flat" phrases that fail to conjure image well - ex: "free of dust". Extract fillers like "the" etc, consider stronger conclusion.
Cal
CA USA - Sat Mar 30 05:12:44 2002
Good work Christine. Your questions are all about structure and voice. I have no problem with either. My only suggestion would be to go after the poem with a knife and cut out most of the ands, thes, and thats except where they carry their weight. Example first verse second line get rid of (the) 5th line get rid of (and)avoid ing words and change spiraling to spirals get rid of (the) in this line. Read it out loud both ways and see if my suggestions please you. If they don't please ignore them. It is your poem. Never accept anything from anyone that does not cause you to smite your forehead and say "why didn't I see that?" If you seek revenge, I will submit one of my efforts to your knife shortly.
Vess Quinlan
San Acacio, CO USA - Sat Feb 23 14:51:55 2002
The problem with the third section is not that it is too abstract, but cuts off the poem as a new dimension is set -"this morning". Up to this point the poem was descriptive, a bit prozaic, even static in some parts but the third part breaks the "silence" and some active verbs appear. You could have found something else instead of "sun, moon" because "words" like these belong rather to the Romanticism than to a more modern Literary stream. The combination "sun / field / moon" is part of the 18th century poem. What I like and appreciate in this poem is the clear images, even pure image, not intricate, not subtextualixed.
Remus
Baia Mare, MM Romania - Sun Jan 6 05:23:10 2002
You write with real feeling and sensitivity, and I'm genuinely moved by your last two lines here. I also particularly like the third section, as it seems the most complex and evocative in its lack of definitive emotional direction, yet also managing to be clearly wrought. Then I wonder, in regard to your third question, how you might expand the scope of the fourth section to incoporate a sense (maybe even just a hint) of transcendence or transformation of your loss into some more clear, final resolution--in other words, something that might imply the larger world of loss constantly surrounding us all. Your final reference to "our story" deflates the poem to a centralization back on oneself, when what it perhaps calls for, in order for it to attain the universality you desire, is an opening out into an even deeper mystical terrain the first three sections explore. "And my feet are the hollows/ I've left in this field" begins to do something of the sort, it seems to me. Might there be another section or two yet to come, and then maybe a re-titling?
Tom Cox
Tucson, AZ USA - Mon Aug 20 22:24:54 2001
Christine; Well this is my second time around reading this, I recall reading this in an AOL chatroom, only if I recall it closed after "and my shoes are the end of his story," hopefully it was you writing it and not some "thief." Anyway, once again the imagery is quite impressive, very clear and effective. The only suggestions I might have would be to kill a few of the "And's" and to answer your question, the only significance I see with the third selection is the closing line, "I am still walking away from it, still moving out of the world." In my opinion, the above lines in that selection don't hold much weight for the piece, and I think the piece would be stronger without, but that's my opinion. "The sky was an echo. I've walked away from it into more wind, into this landscape filled with nothing, not even silence." Surely there must be a way to liven this image up a bit. I think I understand the use of walking into a landscape filled with nothing, but perhaps their is a physical feature of this "nothing," that would still resemble the desolate direction you are now traveling. Just a thought. Selection 1 and 2 are excellent, could even hold the poem on their own. The fact that you are comforting the unborn child, speaking of fear and darkness, shortly after such a tragic parting shows the optimism of the character, and also has a nurturing tone that holds sentiment to any mother. To be honest, I think if this were closed after the second selection, or maybe even killing the third and spicing the 4th up a little, it would hold more power and weight in your reader's mind. Simplicity is sometimes more effective. R Charles
NYC, NY USA - Sun Aug 19 15:44:25 2001
Chistine: Strong imagery, and the use of words that evoke a sense of movement, from the wind, to the waving wheat, to the child in the womb. The colors vibrate with the flow of the stanzas. I like the third stanza---keep it! I am not sure I hear "lament" in this poem. I here regret, a sense of questioning the future, fear, uncertainty, and some sadness. But, I also hear strength, courage, not giving up, not letting anything drag you down. The woman's plight is clear, the wondering about things to come is clear. The feelings of sadness and need to pull herself up come through. The use of natureu and the contrasts between light and dark make these factors all the more powerful.
monique buchberger
punta orda, fl USA - Sun Jul 22 07:25:16 2001
One additional comment/question came to mind: You seem to me to be placing the sun/day in opposition to the moon/dark. The moon/dark being gentler, and like a god. Vs. a sun/day which you walk away from. Then you say "we won't be afraid of the light". But which one - the gentle light of the moon, or any light, even the harsh light of the sun? Perhaps something for me to ponder, eh?
Dew
USA - Sun May 27 08:30:38 2001
This is a very rich poem, but does seem to be in an early stage - perhaps an unborn "child"? First, you use the word "and" to begin by my count 9 different phrases. You ask if this is effective as a lament - the voice seems very comfortable moving on, longing and memories are alluded to, but not in regretful way. Whatever is being birthed sometime in the future, be it child or a new life, is acknowledged to be the result of the impact of the past lover. But the speaker seems emotionally distant, passive. Her focus on the unborn and on the simplicity of the wind, wheat and moon seems to be a recognition of the need to simplify her life and to turn inward, to focus on herself for some period and to end her focus on her previous lover. Regarding your question about the 3rd stanza - I think you are answering your own question: it is not as focused as the other 3. The phrase at the end of the 1st stanza - it hit me as her shoes are walking away from the lover. Question 2, the voice is moving in the right direction, I think you just need to continue to focus where the voice is taking the reader - is there a destination or is it that the voice is beginning a journey, a new life? The last lines of stanza 4 confuse me - end of the story? I thought it was just beginning? Question 3 again - the loss of innocence, vision, hope - these don;t "work" for me yet, your voice seems to have moved on too easily to a new life, a new focus. It is unclear what has been lost. You write with beautiful imagery and figures. I think this poem just needs some work as to where the voice has come from and where it is going.
Dew
USA - Sun May 27 08:16:23 2001
the first stanza is the strongest. because: the siting is absolutely concrete. This takes place IN TIME, sets up a meter or metric or situatedness for the poem.
When you back away from this hard specificity, as you naturally do, as we all would, (a basic move of emotional coping) the poem loses that initial texture, immediacy.
so. the location, the being-there of the narrator should resonate as strongly in the rest of the poem.
luke
charlottesville, VA USA - Wed Sep 27 19:46:02 2000
I certaily felt the lamentation in your poem. Your imagery is creative. When I consider your poem, I see you are guilding my minds eye through the scene as if it were a movie I was seeing. But I also noticed you wanted to lead me through your thoughts as well. So as a reader I get a bit overwhelmed with the poem trying to decide what is wishes to be. I would like to "see" all of this with out sound, like a silent movie and let the actions tell me what is going on with this woman. I think this is a great draft that needs a little tightening and better flow between stanzas. You have touched on a very hot topic that is ending the century: father's who do not take responsiblity for their children. But, as your poem demonstrated, the woman's voice is so important. Thanks. EMS
E. M. Strong
USA - Tue May 30 13:35:27 2000
Christine, I like the poem becuase in some ways it is an open question, both specific and universal. It can be interpreted subjectively by the reader and yet hold meaning for any women facing motherhood alone. I hate to be a dissenting voice, but the stanza that gave me the most trouble and which I found confusing was not iii but ii, specially the line "the dark will be gentler than the womb." You have a tight, crisp style that is also warm and embracing. Thank you
Stephanie Douglas
Breadalbane, PEI Canada - Sun Apr 2 07:55:19 2000
Great poem Christine. One of the comments said that the reader has to bring much to the poem. I'd like to suggest that this is one of your poem's strengths. The occasion is clear and imagery detailed but yet the poem conveys the universal experiences of ending and beginning anew.
kiki
Barbados - Sat Feb 12 23:25:48 2000
Christine- I loved this piece. I love your voice and your imagery, two things I look for in any good writing. Favorite parts- "the wind, blue and free of dust, spiraling through the wheat. And the only road the one he drives away on." This is clear and crisp and communicates the loss and the openness of an empty world-beautiful and nicely done and not overdone. "we are all he has left alive, and my shoes are the end of his story"- now to me there is a hint of the sinister here, and maybe I am reading into it something more than you intended- but also I don't really care what the meaning is- the emotional impact exists outside your intention anyway- and that holds true for the 'shoes the end of his story'- no idea what that means but it carries an emotional resonance that I love. All of stanza two, except I might cut "unborn child" or replace it with something a little less accessible or clear- it's too obvious for me. Moon out of the wheat like a god is dead on.
Stanza three-you are right-don't need it, but also if you hadn't said anything about it it wouldn't have stood out as weak, but it only communicates the loneliness- which is saturating the rest of the piece already.
Stanza four is where you really kill me, and it is absolutely perfect.
What a gift you have. Thank you for sharing. Keep up the good work. Scott
Scott Odom
USA - Thu Dec 23 11:55:21 1999
I just want to say that I think this is a beautiful and wonderful poem. Thank you for sharing it here.
Sierra
USA - Sat Dec 4 12:39:23 1999
This poem is complete from beginning to end. The imagery flows like the wind, and the wheat and moon serve as metaphors: life, growth, changes, cycles, the end of a day into morning. This is a very well written, thought out poem. I especially liked the reference to shoes as the "end of his story" and wrapping that image up with the last stanza "And my eyes are the close/of our story. It suggests that she will move on without the shoes that weigh her down ( the man who left her). Her eyes, the way she sees is hers only. He cannot take away her sight. She sees better tomorrows. Eyes see and shoes tread upon surfaces, leaving indentations--some noticeable and some not as noticeable. This man left a mark. But her eyes (note the poets use of i's to separate two stanzas at a time--possibly the two stanzas representing herself and the child separate from the man who left her behind. This is a great poem. Good work!
Barbara Knowlton
USA - Tue Sep 7 12:55:43 1999
Dear Christine; I just found this site today. I love how your poem begsins: "This is where he lets me off"--this brings us into the present moment atmosphere of the poem. I thought the description of the surrounding landscape was very effective, balanced in its abstraction and clarity. I love how your belly twists into a "sneer"--this lets us know all is not lost, there is more life and you are carrying it. I think saying you are "all he has left" takes away from this strong statement. His desertion seems enough for me to know. I think the line re: shoes being the "end of his story" also takes me away from the wonderful tension of end/beginning. I think the third stanza is a good continuation of the poem but the language becomes unclear. The "sky is an echo"---of what? I feel I would like to hear something concrete. "filled with nothing--not even silence" then I want to know more about this "nothing"-- I think more concrete language, allowing us to know the narrator better would add to the quality of "lament"---the contradiction there being the more personal, the more universal. I think your poem works well in responding to the assignment. The end and the beginning of things seems inherent here.
Bobbi Lurie
USA - Wed Jul 28 11:27:43 1999
You carry his future in your belly (progeny) so your shoes are walking the rest of his future in that he has chosen not to. Beyond this, is the fact that in driving off intothe sunset, he has effectively ended any more knowledge his child will have of him. His mother will have nothing more to tell. In this way his story ends as well. The third to me is the only tie to the milennia, vast future that she embraces even though she can't at this time put any value to it. She only knows that she must move forward through time and space despite any more appealing realities or fantasies. The whole poem to me speaks of moving forward. I do not hear a lament, even though she obviously feels a loss. I don't see her staying, choosing, wallowing in this loss. She is in forward like the milenia. There are many strong lines in this poem, and I believe it has enough to be complete, even though the reader must bring much to the reading.
Joyce Heon
USA - Sat Jun 19 15:42:36 1999
If you think the third section is ineffective, it probably is. The voice is not too abstract. It is abstract just enough. If the unborn child were abstracted more, the shifted weight line is difficult, that might be more effective. You mispell from as form. There is a voice here, for a subject matter that could easily have become maudlin. I read the poem through only once, but the voice remained constant. Voice is the number one criteria.
Chester Morrison
USA - Tue May 25 16:19:39 1999
She has been clearly abandoned by a cheat. She believed in him expecting a life-long company. She dreamt of having a baby fathered by him. But he deserted the love she nurtured in him. Nowhere to go she sees the four sides as four endless oceans. When she wakes up to the day, she hopes to see the warmth of the rising sun but she again, in her despondency, distances herself from the ray of light. The struggle of an innocent woman longing for true love is still endless even at close of the century. Will she ever achieve her freedom from the clutches of male ego? Cannot this Human free from the bondage of bodily lust? ----This is what I interpret from this poem. If I am correct I hope you have reached some of the readers.
Bijja Rathnashikamani
Kalpakkam, Chennai, TN India - Sat May 1 04:29:25 1999
the poem works quite effectively at the elucidation of its objective, but it goes beyond them : one is left less with absolute loss and more with an abstract of the pastoral idea of immortality - cf milton's lycidas i've gotta go but i'll reread & try and be more specific later
markfyfe
uk - Thu Apr 8 03:39:01 1999
Hi Christine-- I'll begin by saying I like your imagery---it addresses the "universal" you ask about---wheat field --universal food source--the speaker is concerned with "feeding" unborn child---also desolate (empty) setting and the four directions (it can only get better from here scenario) and I think this poem does work as a lament---the voice is not a problem for me--but I do have questions as to some of the language specifically----stanza 1-- I thought the four oceans were possible directions, but if the only road is the one--then this is not so---also why are your shoes the end of his story--I'm still thinking about this one--if he drove away--isn't his story still going on? as for the speaker--she has his child--so has to continue his story at least in this aspect. As for the question about stanza 3---you touch on something in the last line that I would like to see developed more---why is the speaker moving out of this world? what world? She is describing (and is in) a liminal world due to her distress? So is she leaving this in-between world and getting closer to reality--or does she know yet? I don't think all the unsaids have to be clarified, but I still feel like there is some developing this poem wants to do---it seems in that in-between stage of the universal and the specific--but there doesn't have to be a difference. I would suggest purge-writing and then another edit---I think there is more the poem wants to say. the poem has some lovely phrases and as I mentioned--imagery---but for me---the unanswered questions of the statements are problematic---this is obviously a terribly complicated set of issues and I would like to see more of them a little more clearly from the speaker's view.
gwyn
USA - Sat Feb 27 23:50:48 1999