Poem for the End of the Century
Esther Mann
New Enigmas
This is a family matter
these thinning shells,
these broken eggs,
and malformed chicks.
Miming my ancestor's answers,
I carry on
as though nothing
had changed at all.
Only hatchlings suffer chemical reaction
It's no one's business;
I'm not to blame.
I never sprayed
the fallow fields, or laid the poison out.
The fault's not mine,
I'm doing what
my parents did;
attending meetings, taking up a cause.
It does not help
or even make
much difference.
Still, the eggs have shattered early.
Mine are the young,
whose lives have leaked.
They sit wide-eyed
and silent in the shambles our home.
I'm afraid they're dying;
and no amount
of agitated feather pulling,
or cautionary treading changes that.
March, 1998
Esther Mann's questions:
I tried to keep the tone of this piece high, short, and having a rhythm that was reminiscent of a bird calling (hence the repeating rhythm in the lines). I also wanted to get across a tone of frustration, and agitation. Do you think that I should have used shorter wording to keep the tone more bird-like? I also wanted to portray a sense of bafflement that I am not sure came through, but I am not quite sure what steps need to be taken in this direction. Further, I don't know that I care for the metaphor near the end about the children. What would be a more effective way of getting this point across?
I have a new approach to your poem, something to play with to see if you can get it to work. You mention a desire to express in a birdlike tone frustration, agitation, and bafflement. Thinking for these emotions tends to become circular and birdsong is repetitive. So I suggest you take a page from slam poets and get into repetition. Choose words or phrases that have birdsounds to repeat. The "ing" words would work for birdsounds. Or emphasize a thought,as in "The fault's not mine, not mine, not mine." You could even do part words in repetition, like "attending ending ending". Read it aloud as you change and you will feel where you need to bird sing. When you think you've got it, have someone else read it aloud to you to see if your meaning still comes through.
Joyce Heon
USA - Sat Jun 19 18:08:11 1999
Esther, I hope you don't mind that I made this poem mine and shifted/deleted to my own delight: Thinning shells / broken eggs / malformed chicks / This is a family matter. / Miming my ancestors / I carry on / as though nothing / changed. Only hatchlings suffer / no one's business / I never sprayed fallow fields / laid out poison./ I am not to blame./ I do as my parents did / attend meetings / take up causes. / Still the eggs shatter early. / Mine are the young,/ whose lives have leaked. / They sit silent, / wide-eyed in shambles. / I am afraid / they are dying. / Nothing changes that. So anyway, Esther, I thank you for putting this poem out there. It's sweet.
Patty Mooney
San Diego, CA USA - Thu Feb 18 23:19:48 1999
For me, the heart of this poem in outline is the catastrophe on the farm, the repetition from one generation to the next of the speaker's parents, the strong suggestion that the next generation -- the speaker's offspring -- will not follow the same pattern. Moves away from this spine seem to me to be in the wrong direction. The hand-wringing on the speaker's part that they are not to blame comes under this rubric. It also introduces a tone of melodrama and self-pity that is unnecessary considering the strength of the opening images. I think the move to the speaker's offspring at the end is a great move and Esther should not question it. I think the poem is overly repetitive right now, and needs some paring back. I don't think the title works. Since a few of the comments have been proscriptive, let me toss in my highly edited version, perhaps it will suggest some direction for revision:
Farm Legacy -- This is a family matter / these thinning shells, / these broken eggs. / I carry on as my parents did / at meetings, taking up a cause. / Still, the eggs have shattered early, / the chicks malformed. / Mine are the young / who sit wide-eyed / and silent in the shambles our home / one generation consumes the next / and no amount / of agitated feather pulling / changes that.
Ian Wilson
Los Angeles, CA USA - Mon Dec 7 10:59:47 1998
Dear Esther: Your poem has certainly portrayed the enigmatic world that has evolved out of our own practices. I feel the suggestions of John Durler & Frances Mancuso Durler are worth considering in rearranging some lines. I honestly feel "chemical reaction" is redundant since it is implied in "laid out poison".
I don't know whether I am at liberty to suggest the changes to your poem & its title. But I have done it as below:
Title: Haunting Enigma The poem:
This is a family matter
these thinning shells,
these ((shattering)) eggs,
and malformed chicks.
Miming my ancestors(') answers,
I carry on
as though nothing
((might change all this.))
It's ((everyone's)) business;
(But) I'm not to blame.(I'm helpless).
Only hatchlings suffer( )
the fallow fields, or laid ((out poison)).
The fault's not mine,
I'm doing what
my parents did;
attending meetings,(just) taking up a cause.
It does not help
or even make
much difference.
Still, the eggs have ((cracked)) early.
Mine are the young,
whose lives have leaked.
They sit wide-eyed
and silent in the shambles (of) our home.
I'm afraid they're dying;
and no amount
of agitated feather pulling,
or cautionary treading
((puts an end to this
haunting enigma)).
The ((double brackets)) indicate the words substituted.(single brackets) indicate the words inserted. ( ) is for the words deleted. This is only my suggestion. I know each poet feels to have his/her own way of expression. The changes (just), (But), ((might change all this)) ((everyone's business)) and (I'm helpless) all might portray the sense of bafflement you expect, I think. -Rathnashikamani Bijja, India
Rathnashikamani Bijja
Kalpakkam, TN INDIA - Thu Aug 20 05:46:36 1998
Hi Esther. First I would like to say that I like the metaphor of the chicks as children. It is sweet, and everyone can relate to its meaning. This poem however is about the powerful effect pollution, environment and heredity has on the formation of normal children/chicks and life in general. As a result, I feel this poem's power would increase by the deletion of lines, and shifting of a stanza. Here is how I see it:
Only hatchlings suffer
the fallow fields, or laid out poison
The fault's not mine.
I'm doing what my parents did
attending meetings, taking up a cause.
Still, the eggs shatter early
This is a family matter
these thinning shells
malformed chicks
who sit wide-eyed
silent in the shamble
of our home
dying
and no amount
of agitated feather pulling
or cautionary treading
changes that.
I understand my suggestions of deletions and shifting is difficult. It is always hard to take away a line we've created or to move lines around in different order, because that poem follows the pattern of our first thought. It is only when we come back to a poem after a time, that we can see it in a new light. Ultimately it is your poem, and you must be guided by the internal belief you have for it. As you can see by my revision, I did not add a single word that was different than yours, just deleted and shifted. I wish you well Esther. Let me know what you feel about my comments. And thank you for giving me the opportunity.
Frances Mancuso Durler
Brentwood, NY USA - Sat Aug 1 06:59:17 1998
I would eliminate the title and first seven lines and start the poem with title:"A family Matter" Then begin "Only the hatchlings suffer the fallow fields, (new line) and laid out poison, and take out line 10, 11, 12, which are not needed in this poem. And 18, 19, and 20, are not needed. This is only my opinion, and it is your poem. It is up to you determine its destiny.
John Durler
Brentwood, NY USA - Sat Aug 1 06:23:41 1998
I did not sense the bird like ryhtym you mentioned but that did not detract from the poem for me. I did sense the agitation and frustration which realy make this poem very good.
Bill McMahon
Lake George, NY USA - Mon Jun 15 11:29:37 1998
I agree that you should change the word in the last stanza from shattered to cracked. This is an amazing poem. I love it.
Ann Cotrupi
USA - Wed May 27 13:38:01 1998
It fills my heart with joy unspeakable to rise in response to the warm feeling after reading your poem "New Enigmas" The structure of the poem has been rendered completely unique.The twists and turns of words and images reflect your extraordinary uniqueness of style.
Rashmi ROY
Tuskegee, Alabama USA - Sun May 3 20:57:14 1998
Esther: We discussed your poem in class last week. After reviewing both versions of your poem, we found some of the lines in your original submission to be more strong than in this version. Specifically, we liked your use of 'miming' in the fifth line better, and we liked the lines "Still, our eggs have shattered" in the first version you submitted. Like the Milosz poem, this poem looks at the coming millennium from a very personal standpoint. As for your question, yes, perhaps the egg metaphor at the end is a bit strong; you might use 'cracked' or 'fragile' in some form in lieu of 'shattered'.
Scott Reid
USA - Sun Apr 5 22:14:27 1998