Featured Guest Poet Kevin Clark
Leaves
I have turned away
toward the soft gray
edges of sky scattered
below an emulsion of stars,
unable to watch them
whirling down
like the dark music of crows.
But still I hear them
blowing across the dying lawn
like our dry bones
scraping upon this hard earth.
October, 2001
Kevin Clark's Questions:
(1) Is it clear "them" in line 5 refers to leaves and not stars and/or edges of sky?
(2) Should there be a break after crows or does the end of the line, combined with the period, provide ample pause?
(3) Open to any suggestions.
1) I think the title makes that fairly clear
2) You might use a semicolon there
3) I like the imagery of the last two lines, but the comparison seems something of a stretch.
Just my 3 cents.
Steve
USA - Sun Oct 28 18:27:44 2001
1. Grammar dictates that "them" refer to a plural noun close to the pronoun--that would be "stars." Reference is even weaker in that the noun "them" refers to is the title of the work. In fact I read quickly and thought the image of the stars blowing across the lawn and scraping at the earth was an arresting one, so was I (understanably) confused! 2. No break. 3. One suggestion: Rewrite line 10 to get rid of "our dry bones." It has an unfortunate echo of Eliot's "The Hollow Men" ("Our dry voices when we whisper together...."). I don't know if this allusion is intentional, but to me, it makes your line seem hackneyed rather than learned.
Lee Passarella
- Thu Nov 1 13:42:35 2001
I agree with Lee. "Them" has wondered to far from home. I think I need to change it to "the leaves" and change the title to something else. I'm not sure about the break. I need to let that stew. As for "our dry bones", Lee is mistaken. I got the idea for that from an old Right Guard commercial. "Our dry armpits" were the hit of the party....
Kevin Clark
USA - Mon Nov 5 19:54:43 2001