Featured Guest Poet Wanda Kay
Undressing you
This shirt you wear,
made of ideas, from concepts left laying around
by the human race before you entered . . .
may I unbutton it, with tender fingers?
Why cover now, the chest of life.s flesh,
which holds a heart you.ve already given?
Can you trust that the nakedness of your mistress
(after you.ve undressed me)
will keep it safe?
Will you take it off
while you.re loving me, in the dark of silence . . .
where eyes are worthless,
because love is invisible?
And, these pants,
that keep bound the freedom of procreation,
made of durable dungaree & steel, by a little boy
working in sweat-shops, run by death-sheened perverts
that take dreams and make them dirty with the bile
of their cancerous desires . . .
may I unzip them, with trembling fingers?
Will you take them off
and let me see
the legs, that have carried you safely through this
nightmare
that others have dreamed up for you?
Will you entwine them with mine
while we create our own dream--beautiful this time . . .
and not answer any calls, because no one exists,
but, we are.
Or, would you prefer to keep your clothing on,
vulnerable . . .
because I.ve seen your clothes,
when you only wanted me to see your nakedness?
June, 2001
Wanda Kay's Questions:
Is it clear that I am saying love can undo everything that binds?
Should the last verse remain, or be ommitted? Does it add to the poem, or
take away?
Does the poem come across as vulgar, in any way?
Wanda,
I'm not sure that the theme of love being capable of loosening anything that binds comes clear. But I do like the idea of clothes being associated with binding and I do like the last stanza because that is where the ingenuity of the poem comes alive - the contrast between seeing and SEEING. I like the idea of the poem deducing when we are really vulnerable, in our tainted clothes or naked. I think a few modifiers are a little overwrought ("tender" and "trembling" for example) and I personally like poems that let the nouns stand on their own without dilution from modifiers that are usually weak (and unecessary). I think your poem is suggestive, sexually, of course, but not vulgar. And when you introduce the sweatshops and perverse stewards of such place, you insert a shrewd comment on the converings we choose. Some phrases are a bit awkward ("the chest of life.s flesh" ), but on the whole I found it interesting. Your name seems familiar, have I seen you at the GAzebo?
Larry
Larry L. Fontenot
USA - Sat Jul 7 19:48:13 2001
Dear Poet, I appreciate the StripTease Frozen in Space which is its poetic structure and still find it - well - cheesy. Above all, one-sided. Did it ever occur to you that the same method could be used on the partner? I guess not. There is a lot of absurdity present in anyone's wearing clothes I suppose, but this is not explored in a focused way here, and surely deserves its own poet. BestWishes, Geoff
Geoff Leone
Copenhagen, Denmark - Fri Jul 13 04:49:18 2001
An earlier comment never made it. So I returned to the piece again...
*
I find the structure of this poem ingenious, as it's a Strip Tease Frozen in Place. It never occured to you, Dear Poet, that this device might be used in reverse? Not never?
*
The following passage seemed to me to stick out and hurt the unity of the piece. Suggest you reconsider how much your present opinions on this subject fit in here.
*
And, these pants,
that keep bound the freedom of procreation,
made of durable dungaree & steel, by a little boy
working in sweat-shops, run by death-sheened perverts
that take dreams and make them dirty with the bile
of their cancerous desires . . .
may I unzip them, with trembling fingers?
*
BestWishes, Geoff
Geoff Leone
Denmark - Fri Jul 13 04:55:31 2001
Dear Poet ~ The theme is clear to me, but the image beginning with "death-sheened....cancerous" overwhelms the entire poem for me...not vulgar, exactly, but ugly. I understand that you want the contrasting ugliness/beauty but the barrage of "pervert, bile, cancerous, death..." is too much. I thought that the last stanza, and possibly the next to last, should be omitted before I even got to your question. Ending with 'dreams of beauty' is much more strong. Interesting melding of micro and macro focus.
Lara Elizabeth
USA - Fri Jul 13 11:25:00 2001
Wanda, I liked this poem because it had a number of surprises in it. I didn't quite know what to expect as I read it and yet it held together, made sense. There are certain lines which you might choose to rethink, rework, but as a whole it works quite well. You present a universal experience in a new way, which is hard to do. It is an interesting poem.
Roger F. Krueger
USA - Thu Jul 19 14:55:48 2001
Wanda, Much of this I find beautifully erotic! It doesn't strike me as vulgar. You've definitely got the theme of love undoing what binds, but I would not equate that to the poem as a whole, which is not that simple. As is appropriate! I'd drop the last verse, and a few other parts that seem somewhat idea-heavy. Like the second line, the third stanza, and the word "procreation". The "durable dungaree" is great, but I don't see how steel works in. Maybe brass rivets? Anyway, this is fine work. I'd condense it to emphasize the sensual parts.
Audrey Eloranta
USA - Thu Jul 19 21:58:16 2001